Why Is It So Difficult for Our Minds to Change?

I often think about the idea of the self. We experience ourselves constantly, every moment of every day. We witness our own growth, feel our emotions rise and fall, and literally see our reflections in the mirror. So, shouldn’t we be the ones who get to decide how our lives are interpreted? Shouldn't we be the authority on who we are?

Of course, it's natural for others to have a perspective of us, that’s part of being human and existing in relationships. But what puzzles me is this: when we tell someone they’re wrong about us, why is it so hard for them to accept? Why do people cling so tightly to their version of who we are?

What really got me thinking about this is my own experience. When I speak to loved ones, they often tell me who I am, as if they're shaping my narrative for me. And even when I push back, when I say, “That’s not true,” I can see it in their eyes, they don’t believe me. Deep down, it’s as if their mind is already made up. It won’t shift just because I said so.

So I ask myself: is it difficult to change one’s mind, or is it that we resist doing so? Is changing your perception of someone, or something, more complex than we realize? Does shifting that narrative mean altering the internal system you operate from? And if so, does that mean the very ground you walk on starts to feel unfamiliar?

Maybe it’s harder than we think to truly see someone as complex and evolving. I reflect on myself, too. How many times have I refused to let the narrative I hold about someone change? I like to think I judge people by how they treat me or by their consistent habits, but if someone genuinely changes, do I really allow that shift in my mind?

And if I’m being honest, I have to ask: who said I get to be the final decider of someone else's identity either? Am I afraid that allowing my opinion to change will somehow reshape something deeper in me? I’d like to say no, but then I wonder why it bothers me so much when others don’t allow room for me to evolve.

Maybe when we resist changing our minds about others, it’s not just about them. Maybe it’s about us. Maybe it would mean changing far more than we realize.