Why is romance a mirror?

It’s interesting, no matter your childhood. Broken family, stable family, thriving family, no family at all, we all seem to be searching, consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously, for the “right one.”

I think of the right one and I see myself as a kid, lying in a bunk bed at night, hoping love will save me. Even under ten, listening to songs that scream “can’t raise no man,” I believed I’d be the exception. I would beat the odds. Because the void inside me demanded wholeness… but externally.

When did you first feel that void? That emptiness you couldn’t name? When were you taught to endure it, to survive it, to sit in it, to watch it quietly, wondering if anyone would understand? You think maybe no one around you gets it, but somewhere, someone will.

Especially when you see the girl always get the guy, you think: I will get him too.

Then you grow up. And you don’t.

There were times when I saw girls my age talking to so many boys, and I thought: wow, they don’t care about you. I’m not sure why I thought that, or how I knew, but I knew I felt that way. And I also knew I couldn’t do what she did to get their attention. I decided then I was looking for something else, though I never had the words for it.

Years later, I met a young boy. I thought he saw me. He called me the “realest,” and I thought: no one has ever said that to me, I must be special. But what was fascinating was how having feelings for him helped me connect with my void differently. It pulled me deeper. It pulled me closer. It helped me understand. I wondered though, I never chased him. I never wanted a relationship. He became more of an experiment, a fantasy, a place where I was the one he could never reach. That was more interesting than the real thing. I got to have myself and the guy, in a way that fit me. That’s when I realized: having the guy wasn’t the whole point for me.

If you think of A Walk to Remember, the main character struggles with illness, falls in love, and transforms the MMC completely. I think that’s profound. Even at the end, he chooses to continue living in her memory. In reality, I’ve seen men move on from an ill wife quickly after her death, or cheat, and it’s disorienting. It feels like an existential crisis. Movies compress life into short, elegant transitions. Reality moves slowly, layered, unresolved. And yet it still begs the question: is romance the mirror? Do you want this pain reflected back at you? When does a person realize: you can’t work for love. It’s either there, or it isn’t. There’s no “if I endure one more day, they will realize” or “they will reciprocate me.”

For me, this made me realize there’s no waiting room. I’m not waiting for romance to define me, to complete me, to come save me. I am the hero in my story. That feels thrilling. Expansive. Free. It makes my movements purer, more genuine, because I’m here, and I’m choosing. There’s no escape from life, but the answers are within. I’m going to keep diving inside, discovering the answers I’m seeking. Romance isn’t going to save me from an existential crisis. Romance won’t shield me from being exposed. Romance isn’t the mask I will hide behind.

For me, throughout life, I thought: I want the guy, but I can’t lose myself. The battle is constant. What matters more? And then I wondered: what does “getting the guy” even mean? Why are the girls chasing? In movies, the guys chase. They change for the girls. But in life, it’s the opposite. Everyone wants to prove they are the one. But being the one never needed proof.

Why did no one tell us? The answer is simple: do nothing. But doing nothing isn’t a good mirror. It’s hard to see yourself. Did I try enough? Am I worthy enough? There it is, the void again.

Romance fascinates me because society treats it like salvation, from existential crisis, from stillness, from self. It’s the illusion of heroism. But here’s the truth: there’s no hero. Well… there is, but the hero is inside you. That void? It’s yours. It’s a signal, how deep your wound is, how much self-love you need, how much growth is waiting.

Romance is a lie. A beautiful symbol, but not reality. Reality is neutral. It takes effort. All of you. But how can you give all if you don’t know yourself? The void is yours to fix. No shortcuts, no tricks, no distractions. Just life.

The good news? The deeper the wound, the higher the sun will shine. But for now… wait for that someday.