It’s the beginning of September and I am not with you.

Today will be a reflection of sorts.

It’s been five months, relationship-free. Oh, how thankful I feel, in a deep and true way.One, because… who thought I could do it? Not me. Ahahaha.

Leaving is harder than a person thinks. Or at least harder than I thought.I’ve been able to let go in a lot of areas throughout my life, but a relationship feels different. It’s like you build an identity around someone. Letting go of them is almost like letting go of yourself.

It’s a deep unraveling.

Who will I be on the other side of this bridge?

Will I like myself?

Will I recognize myself?

I’ve always wanted others to meet me in a true and deep way, but I was scared to meet myself. Like… would I be able to hold my own depth without all the distractions? Without the escape?

Can I really sit still and feel it all, in its full impact?

Did I trust myself to hold on..to hold me?

I realized it’s easier to offload your weight to others, and then be disappointed by them, than to risk being disappointed in yourself. To face yourself.

That’s why these five months have been a celebration. Because I made it across the bridge.And I like myself. In a deep, profound way.

There’s a little fear in me even saying that out loud.

What will admitting that cost me?

What will it expand?

I’ve learned to appreciate my vulnerability. To understand that things affect me. Every interaction, with strangers, with family, with friends, affects me.

But not in an “oh, I’m sensitive to people’s words” kind of way. I’m sensitive to energy.

I always feel the responsibility of seeing clearly. There’s no escape once your eyes are open. You just have to sit still, and see what things make of you.

It’s like this process took all the questions out of me.

One of the coolest things about me is that I’m curious, easily intrigued.But now, a lot of things don’t spark it.

Right now, it feels like I have no more questions.

And it’s the beginning of September, and I am not with you.